i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
