The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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