Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
