Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
