We're facebook friends in real life
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
