Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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