Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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