What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
