can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
