Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
