When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
