Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
