Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
