That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
