She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
