JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
