Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
