you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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