Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
