hotel room ftw
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
