It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
