Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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