I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
