the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
