Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
