I got chris browned last night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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