Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
