Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
