I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
