there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
