thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
