Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
