I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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