Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
