Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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