That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
