I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
