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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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