It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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