My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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