My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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