I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I need moral support for this bender
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
