i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
it's like heaven, but drunker
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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