remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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