I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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