my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
