i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
