Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
