Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think i have two assholes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
