Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
